I’m having one of those periods where I get deluged with complete dimwits.
A buyer says, “I need 2 articles about family law in Texas. Just Goolge it and make the content generic.”
Talk about a brief. Worse, the buyer only pays for 1 article, but promises to pay for the second later.
The buyer (who I manage to get to tell me wants the content for his own law firm website) gets a rundown of all the basic reasons you might need a family lawyer. Divorce, custody battles, asset divisions, mediation, adoption etc. He also only gets 1 article because I’m not an idiot.
Then the buyer leaves a 3-star review, marking me down, naturally, for communication and service as described. This is followed up by a rambling message, explaining why they didn’t mark me down because I only delivered 1 article, but because as a non-native English speaker, my article needed a lot of work to make it readable.
This special case orders a press release! He needs a news story about construction and homeowner association housing in California, specific to his client’s construction company. He wants me to choose the topic. That’s great but err… They have no upcoming projects and the only recent ‘news’ on their site, details a job well done building a fence in November 2018.
So I do what I can. I spin a lovely yarn full of lies about what great value HOA homes are, pitch the idea that developers like building HOA communities because homes sell faster etc, all the while dropping nice fat mentions of this incredible construction company which built a fence in 2018.
Is the buyer happy? No. I get three stars and a link to the below story:
Apparently, I was supposed to magic together a story about imaginary new development deals and exciting city contracts, that would err… Get picked up by local media and not at any point get exposed as a big basket of lies…
An even more special case than the buyer 2, this buyer asks me to help him set up his cryptocurrency website. He doesn’t have a website. He doesn’t even have a domain name. He wants me to pick the subject.
I politely tell this buyer that he needs to have a website, end goal, and content marketing plan, before I can help, as I only create content. Sadly, this just makes him more interested.
Can I explain to him how to set up a website? Can I explain what Yoast is? Can I tell him how affiliate marketing works? "Just send me links to where I can read about these things myself."
That’s right, this guy wants me to do his Google searches for him. In the end, I stop replying in case I die of an aneurysm. Then guess what happens?
Congratulations! You have a new order!
This is going to be the very first article on the site. So please make it a good trending relevant article that will be of interest 3 days from now.
Yes, that’s literally it.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, in walks a non-English speaking spelling and grammar Nazi. Also, this buyer is a chargeback buyer, I’m certain of it. They place a basic order for a 700-word, top Flesch Kincaid scoring article without discussing this with me first.
Grudgingly, I deliver, only for the revision war to start. "Grammarly says there are too many spelling errors."
Grammarly most certainly doesn’t. Grammarly (in typical AI but low IQ fashion) is suggesting that some words which make perfect sense should be replaced with words that do not. I try explaining this but then:
"The metadescription is the wrong length and is not optimized."
Again, this is bull and I know it because I have their article sitting in front of me on my own website editor, scoring a green for every SEO benchmark there is.
I politely try explaining the situation only to get:
"Send me a request to cancel."
And then I have an inbox full of zombies wailing “I need content” and “can you copyright a music track” and "Check this out!"
It is literally like something has been added to the water recently which ramps up the narcissism and dissolves peoples IQ in a sulphuric acid bath.
Is it a phase of the moon? Are all of these people being dosed with something?
Thankfully, I have just the order from the crypto zombie to do now and I will be free, aside from the low ratings each of my beyond mad buyers has decided to throw at me. The only upside is that there is still another month until the next St Levels day.